Missing my Grandfather

Such a beautiful spring-like day in Erie today!

When I stepped outside first this morning to let my dogs out, I took in a deep breath, and something in the air immediately made me think of my G'ma and G'pa Fuhrer. Don't ask me what it was, I can't pinpoint it...but it made me miss them dearly. Sitting here at work with the windows all open and the breeze coming through, I occasionally get a waft of air that has that scent about it...and I'm missing them all over again. I always hoped they would be here for my children...that they would be Great G'ma and Great G'pa to my kids. But God had other plans and needed them up there with him sooner than any of us down here wanted. Someday I hope to understand...

I also hope to someday understand the shortcomings of all the rest of the men in my life. The men who were supposed to love me unconditionally and protect me against all others, but who ended up being the most hurtful and abusive and manipulative towards me. Because of this, and my absolute resolute stance about keeping this kind of behavior as far away from my child as possible, my son will most likely grow up not knowing his two grandfathers. And that pains me, because I know what kind of relationship a child SHOULD have with his or her grandfather...because I had the best kind in the world with my G'pa Fuhrer. I so wish he was still here to shower my child with the love and attention and devotion that he showered upon me growing up. I thrived at their house in that unconditional love, from both him and my G'ma. Some of my fondest childhood memories are at my grandparents' house. But my child will most likely be deprived of that due to the actions of men who think they are larger than life, who think they are right beyond any reason, who are selfish, mean, demeaning toward women, manipulative, and so full of pride and ego they cannot see beyond themselves.

But I pray each day that something will snap or click into place, that these men will see what they have done, what kind of hurt and pain their past actions have brought upon those they claim to care about the most, and that they will seek the help they need to ensure that these actions are a thing of the past. I hope they truly see a light and the need for a change within themselves. I have not harmed them in any way, the abuse was NOT my fault. I have not said hurtful things to either of them, and I especially do not deserve to be physically and mentally and emotionally abused by them, no matter what words may have come out of my mouth. They are supposed to be my fathers. They are supposed to be grandfathers. Most of all, they are supposed to be MEN. I pray they can work towards being true MEN and regain my trust and the trust of my husband...if not for me, then maybe for the sake of my son, so he can know what it's like to have a wonderful grandfather (or two) in his life.